Writing is very personal, too personal. I have not wanted to talk about what has been going on because I just start crying. I can’t write when I am crying, but the ink will not be ruined.
My Grandma Frances died last Sunday. I got the call from my Aunt, I knew this, the week before, I felt it the week before and wanted to talk to my Grandma and Aunt. But I have been having migraines, horrible debilitating migraines, where I don’t even know where the days go migraines, and every night, I just wanted to take a warm bath, lie down with my lavender eye pillow, and wish my migraine away.
I miss my Grandma. She was 92 years old, I thought she would live forever. I can hear her voice now saying, ” I’m not young Lynnette”. I remember her saying that to me when I was 5, how old was she? Younger than I am now….I can’t pick up the phone and talk to my Grandma, I can only speak to her in my mind. I know what she will say. I know we will both laugh.
Grandma made me Biscotti every year. For my Birthday and for Christmas. Every year, as if her life depended on it. It started, I didn’t get a box in the mail, when I didn’t receive the box of Biscotti, I knew she felt terrible that she could no longer make them for me. She felt worse than I did.
I loved those Biscotti, as soon as the box arrived in the mail, I would hide them so that my family didn’t eat them all, that day. I didn’t make Biscotti because Grandma made them best. But I do have the recipe and one day I will try to make them. They are twice baked, so a little more effort. I will try to be strong and bake a batch for Grandma.
My Grandma was an amazing cook and baker. She loved that I had a food blog. I remember when she cooked dinner and served everyone, she would stand in the kitchen and watch everyone eat.
We begged her to come sit with us and eat. Grandma’s family were farmers and they would make a huge meal for lunch, because they would work it off, course after course after course, the Italian way. I loved her lasagna, I loved her thumb print cookies. I dream of her thumb print cookies.
One time we made them together and I wrote the recipe down as we baked them, that was over 40 years ago. She always watched what she ate, she exercised and took care of herself.
She smiled with her eyes, we sang to each other every time we spoke on the phone and when she wasn’t singing to me, I would put hubs on the phone and have him sing to her.
I knew she absolutely adored him and his singing, we laughed and laughed about everything, she had the best sense of humor, my Grandma. Wishing this wasn’t the last time we spoke.
What did we talk about the last time we spoke? The weather? Our health? The kids? Work? I don’t recall, I just know that I always loved talking to my Grandma, she always knew the right thing to say to me, I always felt better when we spoke. I love you Grandma. Thank you for always loving me. I miss you.
I have never made lemon bars, but they are one of my favorite bar desserts. I had no idea how much I would love the combination of lemon and lavender, it is perfect and lemony tart with a light lavender flavor and a sweet and crumbly shortbread crust.
I have loved every recipe from Joy The Baker Cookbook. I will make this recipe again, it is perfect for gifts and parties. My kids and hubs kept going back for more. I highly recommend getting the cookbook and making this recipe. You can find the recipe
here. This is one of my favorite cookbooks. I love Sunday’s With Joy Baking Group. I am enjoying every recipe that we make each week. I know it will come to an end soon, but I want this to last forever! Nettie <3
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Joy’s book officially hit the shelves today! Click here to purchase your own copy and check out her blog to see if she’ll be in a city near you to sign it.
Here’s the recipe from Joy The Baker:
For the crust,
2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup of granulated sugar
1/4 cup of packed brown sugar
2 cups all purpose flour
Pinch of salt
1/2 tsp of dried lavender
For the lemon filling,
4 large eggs
1 1/2 cups of sugar
6 Tbsp of all purpose flour
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice
2 tsp lemon zest
Powdered sugar and dried lavender for topping
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 13×9 inch pan and set aside.
To make the crust: In the bowl of a stand mixer beat together butter and sugars until pale and fluffy, 3-5 minutes. Stop, scrape down and add the flour, salt and lavender. Beat on low until dough comes together. Dump the dough into the pan and flatten out with your hand until the base is level. Bake for 18-20 minutes or until slightly browned.
To make the filling: While the crust is baking, In a medium bowl whisk together the eggs and sugar until pale and light. Add the lemon juice, flour and zest. Whisk until completely incorporated. Remove the baked crust from the oven and immediately pour the prepared filling over the crust. Return to the oven and bake for 25 minutes or until browned around the edges and no longer wobbly in the center.
After it comes out of the oven sprinkle lavishly with the powdered sugar and dried lavender.
The bars will stay fresh in an airtight container, in the fridge for up to 4 days.
Hi Nettie, I had noticed that I wasn’t seeing very much on facebook. I am so sorry for your loss. In a lot of ways you were saying everything I have been feeling lately but not wanting to write about in my own blog. I thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently and sharing a very personal piece of you. I could feel your pain and loss and can see the fear in myself. I am lucky that mine is not a loss but the fear of losing my husband as we face another heart surgery. I haven’t shared it yet on my blog. You reminded me how important life is and making memories with each other. It sounds like you had a very special relationship with your Grandma and have such amazing memories. So many people never have that relationship with anyone. I am so happy you have them and you have inspired me to keep pushing the fear and anxiety back so that I can truly enjoy the moments. Thank you so much for sharing. Sending you a big cyber HUG!
Christie, I am crying reading your note, I am always here if you need to talk, I am praying for your husband and his surgery, it will be successful, fight that fear and be strong for him, he needs YOU know more than anyone, with your love and support he will have the strongest heart. It is so difficult to talk about private issues on our blogs, but this is our choice and if it helps others, I think it is worth it. Love and light to you, I will be checking on you and your husband, please keep me posted, if you need anything, I am here. Nettie
Oh, Nettie, I am so sorry for your loss… I know how you feel, I lost my grandfather a couple of years ago and it just broke my heart. Thank you so much for sharing this part of you and your life with us. My thoughts and prayers go out to you! Please feel better. Also, your lemon bars look delicious!
Thank you Valentina, this was such a difficult post to write, but I am so happy I did if it helps friend’s with their loss. I had a dream about my Maternal Grandmother last night and invited her and my Grandpa for dinner, it seemed so real, so sad it was just a dream, but this is a process. I miss my Grandma so much, everytime I want to pick up the phone and call her. I am so sorry about your Grandpa. Love to you, Nettie
From Creative Bloggers…these look SO delicious!! 🙂
Thank you Jess, from Creative Bloggers, so happy you stopped by, that is so kind of you! Nettie
I am so sorry for your loss, Nettie. I know how heartbreaking it is, and how putting it into words somehow makes it even more real. I lost my Grandfather (99yrs 9 mos) the following year my Grandmother (93) and then my Step Father. It was hell at the time, but I look back and it’s sweet too, because my kids knew them all. Pictures with that generation and with my kids used to make me cry. Now, with tears in my eyes, I smile.
Sweet Karen,
We are so lucky to have so many wonderful memories of our Grand Parents, they are so special. Thank you for your kind words, they are so uplifting. Love to you and yours, Nettie
Oh friend, I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandmother sounds wonderful Nettie, and I hope your happy memories of her will keep you smiling through your grief.
Thank you dear Lisa, your kind words give me so much strength, I appreciate our friendship. Nettie
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Grandma. I love how you said, “She smiled with her eyes, we sang to each other every time we spoke on the phone”. <3
Thank you Joy, you are such a love. Nettie
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Grandma. I love how you said, “She smiled with her eyes, we sang to each other every time we spoke on the phone”. <3 So beautiful, so moving.
Thank you Joy, you are so kind, that means so much to me. Nettie
I’m so sorry for your loss. But, it is wonderful that you have so many fond memories filled with love and laughter. It sounds like your Grandmother was an amazing woman who expressed her love by cooking for her family. I guess she passed that character trait to you.
Thank you for your kind words WonkyWonderful. You are so right. that is how I like to share my love, through cooking. Best to you. Nettie
Beautiful story and what wonderful memories of your Grandmother you have. I adore you for sharing this with us and I will endeavour to make these one day. Lots of love xoxo
I adore you Beverley dear friend, thank you so much for stopping by and for always being so sweet and supportive, I urge you to make these bars, you truly will not regret it! <3 Nettie
Thank you for writing such a beautiful post about Grandma Frances. Love you, Aunt DiDi
I love and miss Grandma so much Aunt Didi, I will always have such a strong connection with her whenever I cook or bake, so bittersweet. I love you, Nettie
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Thank you for the invitation. Nettie
I am so sorry read about the loss of your Grandmother. She sounds like she was very special. I lost mine in my late 30’s and I still miss her very much. I wish I had spent more time going up to visit and learning to make her recipes. I would give a lot to be able to make her Chicken N’ Dumplings. They were the best. Treasure your memories. They will be with you always and will keep her with you in your heart. I also hope your migraines get better. I have had a few but probably not as bad as yours and you have my sympathy. What I had was horrible but only lasted a few hours. To have them last longer must be truly horrible. I hope life looks up soon.
Thank you dear Rhonda, you are so sweet to stop by and share such kind words, Nettie
I really love lemon and lavender, it is so fresh and so flavorful! I would love to try your recipe, I keep it for later 🙂
I was searching your site for Easter yummies and saw this post. I saw the original post and just read it again to absorb the beauty of your words and feel the impact of your love for your wonderful grandma Frances, you were both very fortunate.
Much love to you, Susan
I loved reading your post again. I miss Grandma very much and reading your beautiful words just made me cry and laugh. I used to make those delicious biscottis every year and they are a LOT of work! Next time I make them I will send you a batch. I Love you sweet beautiful Nettie, Aunt Didi